Harold Camping’s ancestors in ancient middle America were known to have not only developed super-accurate, cool-looking calendars; they also invented bath salts. No, not the kind that makes people eat other people’s faces. Although the Mayans did practice some pretty violent stuff…
But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, the Mayans had a chief named Gargamel, and Gargamel was not very good at math or science, but early in his high school studies his teachers noticed that he had other talents… and so pointed him to a career counselor to help him shape his future.
After many years of honing his skills, old G (as they called him) was able to accurately predict far into the future to calculate at what point in history the world would become most vulnerable and excitable to stupid, drunken prophecy. Gargamel did not have much luck hunting down the little blue people he always wished to taste, but the Lamanites were always a bit sneaky, erm… don’t google that…
So, where were we? Ah yes, so Gargamel looked into his polished golden mirror and saw such things as “fiscal cliff” cross stars with sweeping haired Canadian boy pop stars, “pigskin” holy-days, and of course, his distant descendant Harold, who fooled millions of atheists into thinking there was a god. And so Gargamel coordinated with the calendar committee, working tirelessly to build it just the right size. They had a knee-slappin’ good time, did some human-sacrifice, and left the calendar sitting on the calendar committee work bench, and all went out to What-a-Burger for lunch.
Sadly, Gargamel and the calendar committee were right. Their cruel hoax has indeed ensnared millions, as their timing was uncanny. Already I’ve read of someone leaping to their death as the apocalypse draweth nigh (again). Unfortunately for all their wiles, the Mayans were a bit careless themselves and were wiped out by a strange obsession with “watching shows” as they were called, in the form of live-action drama depictions they called “Survivor”.
Well, it took me years of research; blood, sweat, and beers to dig all that up. I hope you will spread this needed information across all the interwebs of your life.
Dedicated To the Romans!